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[Apr. 12th, 2009|04:54 pm] |
Long Overdue
Umm, its been a long time. And I know no one is out there anymore to read this. This is more for my own sanity. I find it difficult to talk to myself, because I'm so discombobulated most of the time. I usually answer myself with "I don't know", which isn't the answer i'm looking for. Its gotten to the point where I feel no one really knows me, and what I want/need the most, is someone to understand me. But before I get into that, I think I should update you on what has happened since the last time I posted (this is for when I become old and senile and go back and read this haha).
Of course I graduated, which was lackluster. Don't know if I mentioned that I decided not to walk at my graduation because my cousin Mikey was graduating the next week, so I felt his graduation was more important than mine. And it was in my eyes, so I convinced my family not to come to graduation becuase, I didn't walk lol. Summer was also lack luster, did some things with Louisiana 4-H (which they paid me for), worked at chilis in Baton Rouge, Shreveport, and Ruston, and stayed with my brothers. Not much else, just met alot of people. After the summer, I moved back to Baton Rouge into my old place and stayed and worked at Chilis (Siegen Lane, my original store) and played with Pancakes and Bananas and bartended alot, it was very therapeutic. My mom convinced me and my brother to take the professional test to work for the state, so I did, and I made a 95 out of 99. The test was really easy (to me at least) and I was angry that I had missed a question. I applied for a job and got one in shreveport, doing what I THOUGHT was Child protective services. It wasn't, so I wasn't too happy. Right before my job started, I got to host the Southern Regional Conference in Biloxi, MS, and got to say goodbye to the outgoing americorps members. That was so fun, I loved that place and the SRC 4-H members were great. I got to see Christy, and the Tolars, Jerry, Nicole, and got to travel a little bit. But after the conference, I had to move home, so I had no rest afterwards. I started my job on November 24th, and hated it from the start. I was starting to like it, the job was easy; my unit was amazingly awesome, and what not. But as you all know, I have a problem with sleeping, so I slept often due to not having enough work, and it bothered me and others alot. It really isn't my fault, I just don't understand it, but no one understood that I couldn't control always being sleepy. Whatever, not the point, the point is that having a nice stable job, in a place where I had no friends, no other life, and no fun, was not for me. It was kinda depressing, and so I quit. It wasn't pre-empted, but i'm really stubborn and couldn't make myself not do it. I don't regret it though, so I guess that makes it somewhat better.
So here we are now, a month later. But for some reason, my family now depresses me, so I have been avoiding any contact with them. They call, and it makes my heart pound. And I can only think that they only want something out of me. It sucks, I know its not true, but I feel that way, and I can only think of the negative things. I've been couch surfing for the past month, its been kinda fun, but i'm still not in a good state of mind. I don't know what to tell people when they ask questions, I haven't talked to my family in that long, and have no intentions of doing so. And you might say i'm immature, but they don't need me, and its not like i'm depriving them of anythign they don't already have. But whatever.
So I went to Post Secret today, and for some reason, they site always makes me tear up. I would love to send in one, but I have so much to say. I still feel like a monster. I hate what i've become, I wish I could go back to highschool when I slightly less evil but still cared about everyone. I wish I could do alot of things over, but thats what life is about. You'll never be able to do everything right, and you don't get a do over like in a game. Its not all bad, its a learning experience, its humbling if people actually learn the lesson. I want so badly to gain patience, and to be in a place that I actually want to be in. Well, I think i've covered what I wanted to say. Yeah. The end | |
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[Sep. 16th, 2008|08:46 am] |
Pimp Slapped
If only Texas would've ate the cake...
Hello, and welcome to this blog that I call my life. So its hurricane season (YAY!) and well yeah. My last post was on the three year anniversary of Katrina, and of course, that day, Southern Louisiana got pimp slapped by Hurricane Gustav. Yeah I ran from it, AND?!? I was gonna go right back, but then Ike was coming, and he was about to pimp slap somebody...so I was like, NOPE! So Ike hit the coast of Texas, pimp slapping Galveston and Houston after fucking up Cuba, so you know, thats cool or whatever. My uncle and nem came up and it was nice getting to see them, but I hope that their houses and such are in okay order, Houston got it bad.
So of course I went and stayed with Wash and Mario for Gustav, that was entertaining, Wash had a get together that night I came in, and I worked some shifts at Shreveport Chili's, so it was nice seeing those people, cause they're pretty sweet. Me and Mario went to go take the state test for employment, but it was cancelled, but we still waited about an hour and 30 minutes to find this out, so you know...whatever! I finally got to see my Mandy Cakes!! It was great, I freaking love her.
Came to Ruston and hung out with Geoff and Bailey while they did their fraternity stuff. One of their brothers through a toga party, and of course Geoff thought that stupid and didn't wear a toga or tell any of us about the togas, and the entire party was wearing togas. Yeah nice job ex-lax. What does ex-lax mean? Whatever! So the point of me coming to Ruston was the take Geoff back to shreveport so he could see his family since La Tech had a bye week. And thats when Ike hit, so chilling in Wash's house with Mario and Jermaine, watching football until the lights go out, we get delerious and sh*t start singing songs on the guitar. Mario's singing of the "farm animals" was fantastic. Slept in my car that night because it was too hawt in the powerless house. Had to go to a team meeting at Chilis SOMEWHERE, so since I was in shreveport, I went to the one in shreveport. New food coming our way, LOVE the new crispy chicken tacos. When I got back from the meeting, the power was back on finally. Saw that USC beat Ohio State and now i'm just pissed off. UGH! Brought Geoff back to Ruston and haven't gotten the energy to drive back to Baton Rouge.
So I got a call on Sunday saying that I should have power now in my apartment from Entergy. So i'm thinking like "wow, maybe tahts why Ms. Diane hasn't called about rent..." Because its definitely 10 days pass due. Talked to L'America about everything and his apartment's roof caved in, and now i'm concerned that something bad happened to my apartment complex. I mean, its an older place...I'll have to see, FEMA has been giving out checks for those who incurred damages. I bet my apartment stinks from the food lol. OH MY GAWD MY LAPTOP KEEPS GETTING MORE AND MORE LINES! <---rant. I told my dad about Geoff's gold prism that underwent a Meese attack, and now he is gonna buy it from them. So I feel like I fulfilled my duties as a son by helping my dad find a vehicle. I'm getting good at the guitar, I feel so musical. Britni's house looks really nice. I could really see myself moving back up to North Louisiana if I found a nice paying job. I haven't been so unstressed in so long, it feels so great. These thoughts aren't completely organized but I just don't give a f***. I finally got to talk to Page last night, and that was a great convo, that kid is awesome. Having a friend like him makes it easier knowing even when people accomplish great things and are very intelligent, they too are human. Okay I think I'm gonna steal the shower from Bailey and get down to Baton Rouge. Opossum, Goat; Chicken, Rat; Cat, Iguana! The End. |
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[Aug. 31st, 2008|11:12 pm] |
Its Been A While
I know I shouldn't have kept you waiting
I know its been a while, but i'm glad you came. Let me break the ice. (Yes, those are lyrics from the song you're thinking of):
- I graduated college with my bachelors in Biology.
- I am still attached to my collegiate club and fear for its existence.
- I had a very trying time in my life, and lost some really good friends over it. And in dealing with that, I wouldn't change it because in my heart, I know that I wasn't at fault. I am only sorry that they feel differently, and hope they know that I still love them.
- I'm re-kindled some old friendships which is nice.
- I worked in the Shreveport Chili's for two months and that was an adventure.
- I'm planning the 2008 Southern Regional Conference for Collegiate Quatre Hoche, and I am really excited about it. I feel like they're going to enjoy it and it'll give us a positive outlook. I'm just glad our region is such a great location.
- I'm feverishly searching and applying for jobs in Atlanta. I've come up short, obviously, because i'm not there yet. I am afraid to move there and be stuck at Chili's. And that sounds bad, but I just don't feel that my potential is being peaked in that company as a server/bartender ya know? Okay ya feel me, I know.
So for anyone who's reading this, this is a time for me to vent, so feel free to not care. So I don't know whats wrong with me. I spend so much time being angry over so much, but have no way of productively getting it out, so I become destructive. Everyone who knows me knows I break phones when I get upset. Which is often. I'm on phone 7 for this year. But what scares me so much are the thoughts in my head. They get more violent and heartless. And it doesn't scare me. I truly feel that I could accomplish the things I conjour up in my head. For example, on my drive to Minden from Shreveport earlier, this guy got into my lane without a signal, and inches from hitting me. If I wouldn't have let off the gas pedal, he would've tapped me. And I was ready to ram him back into his lane. And kept thinking about running him off the road. And no it wasn't road rage, it was just pure hate and evil. And the more I think, the more upset and angry I get. And I find fault in everything I see, except my mom. So often I just want to make it home, and see her, then sleep. But I can't do that everytime. I don't know how to say no to things I don't want to do. I don't know how to let myself let people down. So I hide away, and its stupid. And half the time I don't know what I'm doing, i'm just doing whatever. Like so many things are running through my head right now that I can't coherently put them in this post. But the one feeling I always have, is the feeling that no one cares. And I can't help but feel that its true. Alot of it is due to me not wanting to look weak, and that in turn eats me up inside. I always have so much to say, and no one to say it to. I'm blogging now in hopes to release some of the tension, but I'll just read it in the future and realize how alone and useless I really am. I do so much to help people, and I don't want to be around people. I don't understand. All those "friends" I have on facebook, but yet they're just acquaintances. And yeah I have people like Sabina and Bradley who take the time to ask how I'm doing, but I just feel dumb when talking to them. They're so amazing, accomplishing so many great things, I feel so left behind trying to follow them. And I work at chilis. It makes me want to puke and punch babies. I hate seeing friends from college there who are in grad/med/law/dental school, getting served by me because I suck too much to have a real job. Yes, i'm not gonna lie, I don't feel like being at chilis is a real job. After college, I shouldn't work there anymore, but I need to make ends meet. I want so many things to make my life a happier place, but i'm so cynical that I don't feel that I would allow it anymore. I want to just take a job in Baton Rouge and be done with it. I hate moving, I truly don't know why I want to move to Atlanta. I just don't know anything anymore, and I keep repeating myself, and the grammar is horrible, but I can't care about it right now. I don't know why i'm so anal, I didn't use to be. I'm not over it.
The End. |
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[Mar. 3rd, 2008|04:25 pm] |
Quatre Hoche
Man oh man I don't update ever anymore. Anyway, this February was dedicated to Head, Heart, Hands, and Health. I went to Denver and did the conference thing and then to Camp Grant Walker for the JLC thing, and i'm exhausted. There was alot of hawt people involved in both of those conferences and it was awesome. I got a conference this weekend as well, then a service trip to Panama city next weekend, then I have another conference to do at Camp Grant Walker the next weekend. Not to mention that I need to go up for the Big Event sometime in April. I wanna go to Atlanta as well, busy busy busy. But I won't complain, because if I'm going to complain, then I shouldn't be doing it right? Oh well it happens . Life is cool, and I hope i'm not dying anytime soon. I've been hanging out with Josh alot lately and its been fun. I haven't been to Millerville in a while and thats kinda funny cause i've been barring at Siegen alot lately too lol. I'm not even a real bartender, I just do it cause i'm a gangsta. Okay i'm done, i'm going to bed. The End. |
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[Feb. 9th, 2008|04:58 pm] |
Bridges
Back in the day, I was such a loner kid. I remember when I got bored, i'd go find debris around our houses and burn it. For fun. Actually, I was pretty much a gangsta like that.
Lately, I feel like that I have some bridges that are about ash out from the fire damage. I mean, I guess there were some situations that could have easily been avoided, but I didn't know I needed avoid them. Of course i'm constantly making new connections, but for once I'm starting to feel like my quanitity is thinning out the quality. And then theres Allen and Bradley, whom I feel i'm just losing all touch with. Its like, I never see or talk to them anymore, and when I do, I never know what to say. And I feel that there is this inevitable break-up or distancing about to happen that I can't stop. And I care.
Then there are some bridges that i'm getting to cross that I haven't gotten to in a while. Like, Chilis. Hahaha that was a mistake! Its okay, when I get to work on Siegen i'm not as pissy. And yes, I complain about Millerville quite alot, but seriously, its that bad. Like for instance, they told me that if I expo'ed, I'd get paid 12 dollars an hour without tipout. I mean I wasn't feeling that at all, but I was like coo wahtev. Get my check, why I was only getting paid $5.85?!? Oh my damn, thats just heart wrenching. I know it'll get better, but i'm so impatient lol. And then the other day, Josh randomly just asks me to come over. I mean completely not pre-empted (at least to my knowledge). And even more to my surprise, he has been talking to his...girl person about me and yeah it was random but I really had fun. Then I went home tuesday randomly with Kae Kae and it was fun. I feel asleep on the ride down though, oops, sorry.
I really miss La'Netha, we used to have fun together. And I miss Elaine, Courtney, and Geoff. Actually, i'm just kinda jealous that they're in North Louisiana and close to where they're shooting all the movies. Well actually Elaine works for the freaking production company and gets to cart around the celebrities when they get into town. Yeah straight jealous. And I didnt' do anything for Mardi Gras, mainly becuase everyday is a Gras day for me!! B Lad wants my nuts and she can't have them. Off to expo on siegen! The End. | |
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[Jan. 25th, 2008|01:15 pm] |
Have it your way
I wish I didn't have an imagination, it makes a lot seemingly not bad situations a lot worse. Either way, I know my life will never be perfect, and I could never ask it to be. But I do feel that maybe, if I could get one good night of rest, I wouldn't be sure how to react anymore. And I know i'm not a doctor or anywhere close, but I really don't think all this medicine they have me on, does its job because I still get bad chest pains and heart palpitations on top of it. Oh and my blood pressure is still always high. But I think Dr. Parra is tired of dealing with me so she kinda just brushes me off. I think everyone is tired of dealing with me. I dunno, I quit. |
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[Jan. 22nd, 2008|12:09 pm] |
Je Besoin D'un Secrétaire
Dang I was supposed to be saving a seat for my friend, but whatev! I need to get my life in order, i'm like DAMN dude what the hell is going on. I'm supposed to have senioritis, not 'Damn you gotta do all this shit'-itis. Anyway, je besoin de quelque queue aussi. And I love all of all. Life is grand and I love my friends and family and life and all that. The End. |
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[Dec. 30th, 2007|01:43 pm] |
Lets Play A Game
Okay lets play "Remember that time when...", and then you comment and finish the line. It's gonna be awesome cause it'll remind me of stuff. So lets do it! The End. |
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[Dec. 28th, 2007|05:34 pm] |
I Don't Know Why, I Didn't Come
I like that song. I liked alot of her songs, as sung by Lanetha. Did yall see the hurting that Texas put on Arizona State last night? That was sad and funny at the same time. Anyway, once again, i'm in the wonderful beautiful city of Minden. I don't understand when i'm bored in Baton Rouge, I don't feel as insane as when i'm bored in Minden. I think i've bred myself to feel this way. Thats bad, my family is here. And I love them. Okay its time to psycho-analyze my feelings for Minden. Please feel free to skip this next paragraph, or read it, hell I don't care. Hell.
Okay, on December 11th, 1985, I was born at Minden Medical Center. Blah blah, my grandma won a bet and I wasn't a girl. Cool. Okay fast forward, lived in a two bedroom house up until I went to college. Three older brothers, constant fighting. They never let me join in on their reindeer games tha bitches. I feel that I was constantly starving for their attention/acceptance. I liked to spend time with my great grandfather, and I lost him when I was 9. Didn't have many friends before Junior High when I became an officer in my student council. I ended up with a lot of white friends. Some of their parents didn't really like me being around, and others didn't care. I wasn't blind to the idea of racism or whatever the word would be for this, but I never really actually looked at it that way because my parents were basically the same way with not wanting me going over to their places. Ummm, high school sucked the first year cause the teachers all assumed I was like Mario and Wash. I lost Mama Shug and Scotty while in highschool. That sucked. High school was pretty fun, no issues, I liked everyone, I feel that I could consider myself popular back then. Thats when I became friends with Britni and thats when the rumors about us dating started circulating, it was great. I got along great with my teachers then. I felt free and happy at school. Then I left. Hmmmm that doesn't seem so bad, maybe i'm blocking out the bad stuff? Or maybe the bad stuff came when I came to college. Friends passing away, friends getting arrested, getting guns pulled on me, having to drive long distances to see people and do stuff. And then coming home is always an ordeal. I dunno if its ENS or I just don't come home enough. Freshman year I came home all the time. Now i'm trying to save gas and money and mental stability. I just get badgered with questions and requests and all I wanna do is rest when I come home, but I never get to do that. And then its like everything is an issue, my house feels so depressing. My brothers never come around, theres always something new I don't know about, and their computer is always messed up somehow. Maybe thats why. You know how parents get under your skin for no reason? Like I can talk my parents up and down the block if I wanted to cause they're really amazing and have done alot to get to where they are now, but its like, I can never think of that when they're around. But its not even that, when i'm home alone, I wanna pull my hair out. And I can't go to Wal-Mart cause I feel awkward seeing my friends there. Its like...I feel like I've lost my connections with them and I have nothing of interest to say. I dunno, i'm starting to feel like a douche bag all of the sudden and maybe its just that I'm not good enough for Minden anymore. This town is truly great, nice and homely, and I have issues with it. I'm done.
I hate phones. I want them all to die. I want to sleep, then they ring, and I hate it. And I can't not answer them, cause then people will be mad and ask why I didn't answer the phone. And I can't throw and break my phone because people will get mad or some gay sh*t like that. UGH!! I wish I could just fucking psychically contact everybody hell. I'm done, I'm bout to go see Courtney. Hahahaha up there I said I wanna pull my hair out, but I don't have any hair! The End |
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[Dec. 21st, 2007|08:28 pm] |
Now That You Got It
So I got my highschool ring back (I sent it off to be restored) and HOLY CRAP i'm so EXCITED!!! Yeah that super duper gay kind of excited cause this shit looks good. Cause you know my ring got all banged up from working on my car all the time, but now I can see my treble clef (I should've gotten a bass clef instead) and my starburst design and its ROUND again. I'm really happy right now thought i'd share.
Okay so I sucked this semester UP oh my damn. I don't wanna talk about it, lets just say that i'm not ready for the real world cuase I dont' know what I want to do. Someone should tell me what to do. I need real cash, not tiger cash. I also need my wife to stop being trifling, she won't cuddle with me. I mean fa real, what the hell? I got her though, its aight. So like i'm watching Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen and its not what I expected at all but i'm enjoying it so far. This post is very uninteresting. No one reads these anymore. Well except Chris. I miss him, I hope law school is fun for him. Though he's just in Houston, i'll have to remember that next time I head that way. I want my car to go on pimp my ride. But I'm not sure that the Mustache (thats what I named the Altima) is in all that need of an upgrade. I mean it definitely is, but its not sh*t. Now the Probe, that car needed to be on Pimp my Ride, oh SNAP! I wish I had super powers, then maybe i'd get a well paying job doing something cool.
Everybody have a very merry Cheetahlicious Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Crazy Kwanza, and a Nasty New Year ya heard me! The End. |
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